| and then..... |
they didn't live happily ever after :(
yesterday, i stood before a judge and agreed that my marriage was irretriveably broken. through tears and fears and sweaty palms. a shakey voice, reddened eyes and lost dreams- my marriage was dissolved.
i had expected some major moment, some sort of profound wisdom would come over me and I'd know just what to say. but i didn't know what to say. i really had nothing to say. i felt a bit numb afterwards. i do that when i'm sad - as a defense mechanism. i stop feeling. i don't know how this happened but over time that is just how it has been. sometimes i can be emotional, mostly not though.
i waited for a while- i wasn't ready to talk to anyone besides Tamara (who came with me). my phone was blowing up. lots of calls from my friends. i feel so grateful to know i have such a strong support group. i feel loved and thankful for that. it is important especially during this time.
it was a relatively quiet evening. supportive friends are nice. my sleep aid was even nicer. i was out like a light mid-sentence with becky. it's embarrassing when i do that- but i do sometimes. i fight the sleep. i'm not sure why. i didn't want to get out of bed this morning. i went to sleep around 1130. but at 7, i still hadn't slept well enough.
i miss makena. i miss her hugs and her smile. i miss her spirit but am thankful for this time i have to myself. i need some 'me' time too. i'm reading a book- it's a book about girlfriends who are single. it's called 'how to be single' i can tell it's going to be a great read. it's not a 'how to' book - but a book similar to how you would read sex and the city. in fact the author was a co-writer for the show and also wrote 'he's just not that into you'. (which is another funny book i've wanted to read). i have several books right now eat, pray love and marley and me that I need to read.
i'm getting off subject here.
anyways, pj will always hold a place in my heart. afterall, we spent 11years being married. above everything else i wish him peace and happiness. god if i could have anything it would be that he would be happy. i know this whole thing tore him up. i still care about him - i'm not a cold hearted bitch.
the hardest part of all of this was letting go of my dreams. letting go of the dreams i had for makena. and the sadness hurt the most. we are not really angry people. we do get frustrated as we did in our relationship. but it seems like things would be easier if we were angry. instead we are both sad. and the feeling of being sad at the same time is overwhelming.
well- i hope this typing makes me feel a little better. i'm waiting for that moment when i feel relieved.
until then.... |
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| 2 Comments: |
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I am really sorry to hear about you and PJ. I hope the both of you can find much peace and happiness.
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Hey Mary...
I just pulled up your blog after a really long time!! I'm really sorry to hear about you and PJ. I'm sure your heart is hurting. Please shoot me an email so we can catch up. I'm not doing much these days considering I'm on bedrest at the moment. So.... Can't wait to hear from you!!
Anne
annesouthwick@gmail.com
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posted by 2Kais at 
I am really sorry to hear about you and PJ. I hope the both of you can find much peace and happiness.