Our Lives....documented

March 16, 2008

For the first time in a few months I really feel like writing. It's 10 minutes before 3am on a very early Sunday morning. Though I write on my blog and I know many of you have followed our lives on here- I have internalized a lot in recently due to my own life issues that I've been dealing with. A couple weeks ago an old friend of mine told me I should start blogging again about what I'm dealing with but until now, I haven't been ready to do that. Years ago, in my youth I wouldn't have had an problems sharing my 'issues' but I found as I have become older I'm not so willing to share my life in raw details - maybe it's just as I've come into my own comfort or maturity (it's about time at 30).

If you've followed this blog or know me, you know that PJ's job has kept him busy over the 11years of our marriage. You may or may not know that PJ and I had a crazy fast courtship and eloped after only 47 days. And 11 years later are now walking our own paths. In many ways PJ and I have always walked our own paths. His job hasn't helped this but has contributed greatly to many issues that we've dealt with over the years. The rest are our own conflicting personalities. In several ways we compliment each other and we just 'work'. I am a pretty laid back person, but haven't always been. Early on in our relationship I was clingy and emotional and downright high maintenance. I believe part of that was my insecurities at such a young age and maturity played a strong hand in that. Over time, the months and years apart due to the deployments and Iraq war made me a stronger person. Who wouldn't be? The war did crazy things to us and for a while it brought us closer though we were miles apart. I became independant. Raising up our little girl, mostly on my own. I chose to be a working mom for about 1/2 of Makena's life by the age of 6. And it worked for us. PJ worked, I worked and took care of her. He knew I could handle it.

I don't quit easily- I'm headstrong and determined when I put my mind to something. One of the hardest issues with the military is the inability to depend on someone. When you're married - it is a partnership - but many times it doesn't feel like that. I know from the outside many of our civilian friends thought our relationship was 'odd'-. But it felt like it worked for us. But what I hadn't realized is how unhappy it was making me. I surrounded myself with friends, hobbies and motherhood. The military has such strong support group of women all going through the same thing so it didn't feel unusual to me. In retropect for the first time I see why the divorce rate is so much higher in the military.

I have been in love- with 'the american dream' and we were living it. In '06 I was fortunate enough to move back to Seattle with Makena while PJ was overseas fighting the war on terrorism. I was finally 'back home' where I grew up and I knew this was a great time for Makena to spend with my family. She has always been very close with my family. Even when we lived in California my brother, mom or dad were down to visit at least every other month or so. Of course, Kena is an only grandchild 'the golden child' for my parents so she is spoiled :)

Back to that American dream... then PJ was transferred to recruiting duty in the Seattle area. Seattle has the highest number of possible applicants and the lowest recruiting rate. In the Lake Washington school district- 90% of all graduates go to college. This is a very liberal area where higher education is pushed

(on a side note- my cat Gus Gus is snoring up a storm right now - 20 minutes into my blog post)

The support for military and drive for kids in this area to join the military is not strong at all. So, the job we knew would be challenging. And it has been. I see why the divorce rate for recruiters hovers somewhere around 85%. But we have overcome great odds before. Afterall - 11 years after a 47 day courtship isn't a small feat. Combat deployments and months and months of work-ups prior to deployments aren't easy- especially with a young child.

Now at 30 I've come into myself a lot more and realized more of who I am and who I have become. Sadly I have been in love with a dream- we have the house, the yard, the jobs and cars. We were living the 'American Dream' and it was just a dream. Coming to that realization is sad and terrifying all at the same time. It's a harsh look at reality - I have become hardened, jaded and don't trust anyone fully as I should. I have learned over time that the only person that I can depend on is myself and that if I can't be superwoman then I have failed. I need to be able to manage life from the first moment I awake. Get Makena up, teach her to make her bed regularly, make sure she is getting ready, get yourself ready, feed her, feed yourself (skip this one to save time), does Gus Gus have food and water?, lunch- it's not Wed or Fri (hot lunch) so make sure there are snacks and food in her backpack, what time is it? We have to keep moving, pick-up make-up and get dressed, running close on time- keep moving. dry, straighten hair if there is time, keep moving, check in to make sure Makena is eating not just watching tv., nag to eat, throw in a load of wash. tell makena to get her shoes and coat on, remind her to listen the first time and to take a bite of food on her way to the coat closet. Remind her this is another reminder, Grab my purse, clear her plate- off with the tv, off to work, battle traffic, drop her off at school, gaze at all the moms in their warm-up outfits and wonder how people can afford to put multiple children in private school, it's hard enough with just one. Go to work - we'll skip over that completely, rush to pick up Makena from extension at 6pm, fight traffic home, dinner, baths, and into bed. PJ rolls in sometime around 9/10. I'm exhausted and headed to bed since I can't sleep anyways. If I don't try then, I'll be up all night. The next day... do it again. and again.. and again.... and again. That is life. Many people do it everyday.

Which is fine. But, for me I need a partner in crime- a partner in life and without going into depth and detail I came to realize that I what I was doing was living independently and supporting PJ. I really needed support too and you can only try to do it all for so long before breaking down.

I finally broke. But when I did, I had a moment where I realized that I was scared because I knew at this moment in my life I had to take a step to stand on my own. It was terrifying- it still is. I was asked "Why is this so scary? You have already been doing this". In stepping forward I had to turn my back on the dream, the picture from the outside looking in. In order for me to gain strength I had to give up my weakness and give in to the reality and facing that can be easier said than done.

We are a now nearing a couple months into this now (yes this where I've been hiding out and not posting) and I can be honest in saying that there are rough days but we are both moving forward very ammicably. In fact, in all of this Makena now spends more time with PJ than she did when we were together. And the time that they spend is quality. He takes her to go swimming, to the movies and has now become a very active role in her life on the few days that he has her. I will always strongly encourage a positive relationship between them and if his job ever allows him to have more time with her I will not stand in between them. A child should have a relationship with their father if the influence is positive- Makena and PJ both need that with each other.

(Side note: it's 4:22am and Gus Gus has woken up to clean himself, he just looked at me with this 'what the hell are you doing up at this hour' - look)

So our house? 4 empty bedrooms (mostly)- we did pay to have the lawn mowed. I moved out, PJ moved out. Neither of us could stand the emptiness and lonliness in that home- especially after all the work we put into it. We discussed selling it immediately with our realtor. The consensus was that the market was terrible and we were looking at a significant loss over the previous few months. So, I posted it for rent and had an open house. Our house and us now living individually was our largest financial concern of the moment. Thankfully we found renters nearly immediately. By April 1st, our renters will be moving in. I'm sitting tight in Woodinville and intend on moving to the Bothell/Mill Creek area where I'll be closer to work and also to my family. This is a good transitional place for Makena. I have help with her right now and she's familiar with my parents and there is certainly enough room for us here. Tomorrow I'm going to work hard to get things ready for storage since I only have this week and next weekend before I need to have all my stuff out of the house completely. Almost all of the furniture and large items have all been gone since PJ moved his things out of the house.

My heart hurts, but we're moving forward. I know that there are bound to be some casualties with friends. I hope not, I cherish the friendships that we have made over the years - but I know there is a bit of inevitably beyond my control. What will be, will be.

It is now nearing 9am and I'm finishing up this very in-depth look into my life. I know that PJ means well and you will not hear me bad-mouthing him either. I know that the military played a part in the dissolve of all of this- but there were many many other factors as well. Sometimes you have to know when it just doesn't work. We have grown into ourselves in the last 11 years and what we want, need and can provide is very different from when we were barely 19 years old.

Each step forward is scary- but I find strength within myself and with the belief that things happen for a reason and I'm at a crossroads in my life where it is very turbulent. But I always survive- because that's what I am- a survivor. i will never trust like I have trusted. I'll never love in such a way that I have loved so raw. I have become jaded and hardened I wonder if I'll ever fully trust even friends. Trusting people requires me to let my guard down and to become vulnerable to the possibility of being hurt. I don't see that happening, I am numb. I hope that changes someday. I was raised to be nurturing and caring - I'm not anymore - just with Makena. It is about Makena as my #1, then me #2. I have to be sure #2 is good because #1 is important and won't do well if I don't care for myself.

i'm getting there- it's a long road ahead, here's to challenges.

mkai22@gmail.com

posted by 2Kais at 2:54 AM -

1 Comments:

At March 21, 2008 5:32 AM, Amanda Friskopp said…

Now that I am crying at work....that was so well written Mary. I am glad you are doing what you need to do for you...that is important too.