| Letting go is never easy |
Again it has been a long time since I posted anything on here. I've had a crazy mix of emotions over the past couple weeks and the intesity has risen quite a bit in the past couple days. I could not anticipate this rush of feelings that I've been having especially since I've kept most of how I feel bottled up inside. For one reason or another I feel like getting this out right now just typing. I'm terrified for the unknown- hurt - scared and above all else disappointed. I never ever saw my life where it is right now. Of course, when you're going through something tough- most people feel like that. You can plan for everything but it's the stuff like this that blindside you when you're not ready. I can barely think straight right now. Not sure why because I've already been doing this. I've been on my own- this isn't new. I can do this. It's just so final now. Tomorrow everything EVERYTHING becomes final. We have already signed off on our papers - they just have to be filed with the court. This is all so sad. It is the end to a dream that I had. A dream for myself, for my daughter and for PJ. Unfortunately things change. People change. You have to see people for who they are and how they make you feel- this doesn't go for just PJ. I think he can be happier w/out me. At 19 you change so much and don't have a clear picture of your life goals as you do when you're 30. And when those goals don't align it is saddening. I honestly believe that we both can be happier. I want more than anything for PJ to be happy. For me to be happy.
If I could- I'd erase all the things that made me resentful, angry, distrustful and doubt. I just don't see how there is any possible way to let go of what has transpired in our relationship. I don't know how to have those facts and let them go. Letting them go would feel like I'm dismissing them and saying "It's okay". I feel like that is all I've said and sacraficed myself and what I know isn't okay for me. UGHHH- this is so emotional for me. I've become so- NOT emotional and so hardened through the last couple years so this rush has caught me off guard.
I'm working a half day tomorrow and am taking a late lunch today so I can just come back and leave at 5 to go home.
Makena is with my parents right now and I'm focusing on cleaning tonight and getting ready to go to California on Wednesday. It will be good for me to get out and get away for a couple days after all this. This coming weekend Makena leaves for Nebraska. She'll be gone for almost 2 weeks :( Thankfully I'll see her on Friday before she leaves.
Okay- I'm feeling better after getting that off my chest.
Please pray for our family, for healing of our broken hearts. :( Please pray for PJ's safe travels this week as he left today for Spokane (Eastern Washington). |
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posted by 2Kais at 
