| Independence Day |
This year- like many years of the past- we celebrated the Independence of the United States. It's not really 'the 4th of July'. As a daughter of a retired soldier and Makena's dad being in the USMC- we hold military holidays close to our hearts. We are proud of all those that have served for our freedoms. 2008 Independence Day felt different- Makena was gone w/ PJ in Nebraska, it felt like part of me was missing. I missed my Makena. She would have loved to watch the fireworks with us as we lit them off. I talked to her nearly everyday she's been gone. She had a great time w/ her cousins and has been doing good. She has told me she's ready to come home. It's hard when we miss each other so much. She does good typically until day 2 or 3 when she's not with me. It sounds like she has been quite a trooper and probably has done better than I think. Anyways- I spent the holiday with friends. It was pretty relaxing and the weather cooperated. All in all- it was nice. Here are some pics.
 Stephanie & Leslie- two really great friends for years and years
 Bowman & Les
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| and then..... |
they didn't live happily ever after :(
yesterday, i stood before a judge and agreed that my marriage was irretriveably broken. through tears and fears and sweaty palms. a shakey voice, reddened eyes and lost dreams- my marriage was dissolved.
i had expected some major moment, some sort of profound wisdom would come over me and I'd know just what to say. but i didn't know what to say. i really had nothing to say. i felt a bit numb afterwards. i do that when i'm sad - as a defense mechanism. i stop feeling. i don't know how this happened but over time that is just how it has been. sometimes i can be emotional, mostly not though.
i waited for a while- i wasn't ready to talk to anyone besides Tamara (who came with me). my phone was blowing up. lots of calls from my friends. i feel so grateful to know i have such a strong support group. i feel loved and thankful for that. it is important especially during this time.
it was a relatively quiet evening. supportive friends are nice. my sleep aid was even nicer. i was out like a light mid-sentence with becky. it's embarrassing when i do that- but i do sometimes. i fight the sleep. i'm not sure why. i didn't want to get out of bed this morning. i went to sleep around 1130. but at 7, i still hadn't slept well enough.
i miss makena. i miss her hugs and her smile. i miss her spirit but am thankful for this time i have to myself. i need some 'me' time too. i'm reading a book- it's a book about girlfriends who are single. it's called 'how to be single' i can tell it's going to be a great read. it's not a 'how to' book - but a book similar to how you would read sex and the city. in fact the author was a co-writer for the show and also wrote 'he's just not that into you'. (which is another funny book i've wanted to read). i have several books right now eat, pray love and marley and me that I need to read.
i'm getting off subject here.
anyways, pj will always hold a place in my heart. afterall, we spent 11years being married. above everything else i wish him peace and happiness. god if i could have anything it would be that he would be happy. i know this whole thing tore him up. i still care about him - i'm not a cold hearted bitch.
the hardest part of all of this was letting go of my dreams. letting go of the dreams i had for makena. and the sadness hurt the most. we are not really angry people. we do get frustrated as we did in our relationship. but it seems like things would be easier if we were angry. instead we are both sad. and the feeling of being sad at the same time is overwhelming.
well- i hope this typing makes me feel a little better. i'm waiting for that moment when i feel relieved.
until then.... |
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| Letting go is never easy |
Again it has been a long time since I posted anything on here. I've had a crazy mix of emotions over the past couple weeks and the intesity has risen quite a bit in the past couple days. I could not anticipate this rush of feelings that I've been having especially since I've kept most of how I feel bottled up inside. For one reason or another I feel like getting this out right now just typing. I'm terrified for the unknown- hurt - scared and above all else disappointed. I never ever saw my life where it is right now. Of course, when you're going through something tough- most people feel like that. You can plan for everything but it's the stuff like this that blindside you when you're not ready. I can barely think straight right now. Not sure why because I've already been doing this. I've been on my own- this isn't new. I can do this. It's just so final now. Tomorrow everything EVERYTHING becomes final. We have already signed off on our papers - they just have to be filed with the court. This is all so sad. It is the end to a dream that I had. A dream for myself, for my daughter and for PJ. Unfortunately things change. People change. You have to see people for who they are and how they make you feel- this doesn't go for just PJ. I think he can be happier w/out me. At 19 you change so much and don't have a clear picture of your life goals as you do when you're 30. And when those goals don't align it is saddening. I honestly believe that we both can be happier. I want more than anything for PJ to be happy. For me to be happy.
If I could- I'd erase all the things that made me resentful, angry, distrustful and doubt. I just don't see how there is any possible way to let go of what has transpired in our relationship. I don't know how to have those facts and let them go. Letting them go would feel like I'm dismissing them and saying "It's okay". I feel like that is all I've said and sacraficed myself and what I know isn't okay for me. UGHHH- this is so emotional for me. I've become so- NOT emotional and so hardened through the last couple years so this rush has caught me off guard.
I'm working a half day tomorrow and am taking a late lunch today so I can just come back and leave at 5 to go home.
Makena is with my parents right now and I'm focusing on cleaning tonight and getting ready to go to California on Wednesday. It will be good for me to get out and get away for a couple days after all this. This coming weekend Makena leaves for Nebraska. She'll be gone for almost 2 weeks :( Thankfully I'll see her on Friday before she leaves.
Okay- I'm feeling better after getting that off my chest.
Please pray for our family, for healing of our broken hearts. :( Please pray for PJ's safe travels this week as he left today for Spokane (Eastern Washington). |
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| GNO, WMB May 17th |
Here are some recent photos from Girl's Night Out.
Laugh insanely- it's good for the soul!
 Mary & Leslie - my fb  Karie, Mary (rrreow!), Leslie & Adrienne  All the girls!  My new baby!  |
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It has been a really long time since I posted on my blog. As for us.... we are all adjusting well. And when I say we, I can speak for myself, Makena and our trusty cat Gus-Gus. We are taking life day-to-day trying to enjoy our new surroundings. I've found through these times that my friends have come to be such a strong support group of mine. I love them dearly with all my heart. There are times when we have drifted but still, always find our ways back to each other again. It is at our roots that we are most strong- I have returned to those. My family has been amazing!! My brother helped me move my stuff from storage to our new condo. And dealing with downsizing- my mom helped me to see the brighter side of things and to remain optimistic. She has been a true inspiration during this chapter (like many others) of my life. My dad, ahhh my dad. Always listening, forever patient and constantly playful with Makena. All in all, my friends have reminded me there is life outside of work, my family has kept me grounded and there are so many exciting things on the horizon.
We have a busy summer planned. I can't believe how quickly things are approaching. Makena is out of school next month, then jet setting with PJ to Nebraska for a 10 day visit. She will be so excited to see her family!! Makena will also spend quite a bit of time at my parent's house w/ my mom- who undoubtedly will be teaching her all summer in preparation for 1st grade next year. Throw in a few summer camps, lots of playing, possibly a trip out to Lake Chelan, Portland, the ocean and we're GOLDEN! lots of fun planned.
And maybe.... just maybe, I'll save up enough money to take her to Disneyland. We've been talking and talking and talking about it- but it will be a surprise when it does happen. She will be thrilled!!
What else... oh so we moved. We live in a great condo in an area called Mukilteo. We are lucky enough to overlook the golfcourse so it's pretty private and we have beautiful western exposure. 2bedrooms, 1.5 baths. It was recently remodeled so we have granite counters, nice new carpet, a fireplace etc... it's been interesting to try to find a place for all of our stuff but it's been working fine. Just a few more boxes to go through. I bought all new furniture and a new tv. There are more things that I need, but in time I will get them.
We love our new place - 3 swimming pools (2 outside, 1 inside), a workout gym, tanning, basketball court, jacuzzi etc... Not to mention the most important thing- an award winning school district. I could've lived anywhere- but picked our place based on the test scores of the schools. Next is that we are 10 minutes from my work!! LOVE IT. We've gone from a 45 minute commute, to a 30 minute commute to 10 minutes. ELATED!
Also, I bought a new car. Can't remember if I wrote about this, but I did. In the process PJ took the truck, I took the Jetta. I traded it in for an Acura TSX. It's white/cream w/ tan leather interior, tinted windows and navigation. I am good w/ directions but instantly became attached to my Navi. Love it! Most important- biggest reason for trading was that it is automatic. The Jetta was stick shift and I just wanted something easy to drive that I knew would be dependable. Not to mention the gas mileage is wonderful! I can make a tank last over a week- if I'm not driving around too much.
It's Thursday night, Makena is with PJ tonight. I am going to go home, workout then hook up w/ a friend to catch a movie. There are so many funny movies out. Gotta run! Much love- xoxo Mary Kai |
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| Vaca |
Thanks to all of you for your kind emails, thoughts and prayers. It's nice to know I've got my friends out there. The recent months are difficult to discuss with people... I mean how do you tell your friends w/out having them feel like their out of the loop in some respect... "Ummm- so, today I went to the grocery store, picked up my daughter, and saw my divorce lawyer...." ummm ya, no. So, being more closed up than I have been in the past- it's all just a little at a time, baby steps towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
A while ago, I sat down w/ we'll call him DS. He's my sounding board. No relation, nothing... in fact my insurance company pays him... he's not a shrink- he is a family counselor. But after a couple visits he said that really he was more of a sounding board for me, because I already knew what I was going to do- there was no real goal- just needed to sort through the feelings or lack there-of that I had. Anyhow- when we discussed goals I discussed my trip to Hawaii. Would this be a good trip for Makena to have both of her parents? My brother certainly would like to have PJ with us... well, no. This was about a new beginning. My first goal was to set a date to be completely moved out of the house. - Before the trip would be ideal. So when Makena met w/ DS last week, we discussed the completion of the move and he reminded me 'You Did It!'
Sure enough, I met my goal. I'm out of the house before my trip. It'll be nice to know that there will be renters in the house on the 1st and that I really don't have to go back for a very long time. I loved my house, but really I'm very relieved. So when I get back from my trip, I'll be relaxed, tan and ready to take on new challenges. Work will still be work and we'll be settling into our new routines.
I really feel like we're moving forward. I think the trip tomorrow will solidly cement that in place. The last couple months have really been dragging. With the spring here, some sun now and again- things are really looking up. I've been getting out more and more. There are some movies that I wanted to Netflix that I signed up for because I always wanted to see them, but never did. There is a fight movie out that I really really want to see. And a few other shows. I want to go to a comedy club again (did that a couple weeks ago) and I want to go to the shooting range because I've never shot a real gun. I also want to take up kickboxing and start running again. It's time to get in shape. I've already dropped down to about 109, now I really really want to be toned up for the summer.
Tulips are starting to bloom. They are my absolute FAVORITE! Pink tulips!!! AND Gerber daisies. They are my all time faves.
This is about it. Not much else. I'm just really excited about our trip. We have to leave in 5 hours and I'm not asleep yet! I need to pack my make-up and a few last minute items but overall, we're ready to go.
Cheers- will post pics from afar if I get WiFi. Otherwise- when we get back.
Much aloha!! xoxo |
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| Easter Bunny - MIA |
OMG! What kind of Easter bunny is so tired that she falls asleep and forgets to visit Princess Makena's house with candy, eggs and goodies on Easter?!?! I SUCK!
Thank goodness it is only 5:30am, heading out to the store.
"I'd like to thank the academy for this sucky mom of the year award"
Gheesh! |
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| A new day |
Well, it's Saturday - just before Easter... I woke up today- for the first time in long time without this terrible anxious feeling in my stomach. Friday was a long- day. I went up to the house to do some final packing with the anticipation that it was going to be the last time I was up there for the next 2 years. I got up to the house sometime around 8:30/9 am. I was super tired from being out the night before- so I took a nap. I have no idea how, in a house that was 49 degrees (we had turned the heater off) that I was able to do it- but I grabbed my down comforter, a pillow and curled up at the fireplace for 2 hours. I woke up and luckily it was enough to get me going again. I stayed there most of the day- except picking up Makena. Around 7pm, we headed out and came home.
Enroute we picked up a couple movies that I had wanted to see ' Mr. Magorium's Magical (?) Emporium' and 'August Rush'. I was so tired that I fell asleep partially into August Rush. In a few minutes when I put Makena to bed (she's up late tonight) I'm going to put it on again to watch it.
We had a really great day though- truly. I miraculously had incredible sleep last night and slept in until Tay called me- maybe 8. My mom, Makena and I went to Sprout's Children's Theatre in Redmond and took Makena to see Cinderella. It was GREAT! I am thinking about buying season's tickets. It was something special for Makena and we had great seats. It was only about 1 hour long, followed by a quick trip to Coldstone Creamery for ice cream (sorbet for me) and home again. The weather was BEAUTIFUL today. Here in Seattle the weather doesn't give us much more than gray skies and clouds and drizzle most of the time. So when it is sunny we enjoy it tremendously and appreciate it so much. Makena played outside quite a bit today so I was happy about the time she had with fresh air.
Speaking of outside... the pollen is getting so high here! I have terrible allergies and I can tell it's 'that time of the year' again. I'll need to get some kleenex to carry in my purse and start taking Claritin again.
This afternoon I bought myself a new laptop. I'm playing with it right now. LOVE IT! I did a bit of research and have been thinking of getting one for a little while so it was between the Dell Inspirion and the HP Pavillion series. I found that more people were happy with HP. I use my manager's HP Laptop at work all the time and have used my friend, Jeanne's laptop for a week as well. Both HP's so .... I went with that- plus the reviews were in HP's favor. So far I love it. I'm not sure what I feel about the Vista operating system. I know it takes up tons of memory just to run so, I would like to upgrade the memory at some point. I can go up to 4 gig's of memory and have 2 gigs right now... but for now it's all good.
Anyways- there you have it- those are the updates I have for us. I hope to post some photos soon. I have to find the transfer cord and upload the photo software that I like to this computer on Monday.
That's it!
Hope whoever is reading this has a great Easter. |
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| SPRING!! |
Spring has sprung! The sun has been peeking out through the clouds a little now and then. It's still cold, but the leaves are starting to come out - flowers are beginning to bloom and the birds are chirping.
Romance is in the air all around. And frankly.... it's enough to make me want to vomit (given my particular situation)- but oh well-
HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING! |
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posted by 2Kais at 
